For Women  Afeard

of Hooken Up With A Loser

Top 10 Checklist

When God created the world, He started out with woman, seeing as how she had more complex architecture and plumbing. Besides, He was dying for conversation cuz He hadn't invented TV yet.

Anyways, it took Him damn near all week -- three days working on the brain alone.

Then, late on the 6th Day, the Home Depot was closed. Knowing that He wouldn't get overtime for working Sunday, God just slapped together man with the leftover scraps and headed for the couch.

Which is why men ain't too smart. He figured if He made 'em just strong enough to haul the Trash out, there might be some use for 'em.

That's why we have this Top 10-point checklist for Hooken a man. It's to help you decide the difference between a worthless man -- one who ain't great, but good enough to have babies with  -- and a low-down, nasty, lying, cheating man, which are only good for affairs.

The selection ain't good, but think of it like rummaging through the clothes bins at Goodwill. At least you got volume on your side.

1. Is he a pervert?

All men is perverts. But there's a big difference between regular perverts and gentlemen perverts. Regular perverts take you to Hooters on your first date and spend the night telling stories about the biggest jugs they ever seen. Which ain't classy, especially if they only got enough money for chicken wings.

Gentlemen perverts is at least self-respecting enough to buy you a decent meal and some plastic jewelry before trying to get you in the sack.

If your old man A.) named his reproductive unit after a World War II cargo plane; B.) still subscribes to National Geographic for the naked Amazon women; C.) has a job in human resources; chances are he's a pervert. Don't let him near your kids.

2. Does he live with his ma?

If he still lives with his ma, he's used to getting picked up after, which means you won't have time for affairs with the guys from the Paint & Sealant Department.

The good part is he's a mama's boy who'll be easy to smack around when he squawks about your Hamburger Helper. The bad part is he'll be too sissified to teach your kids the valuable lessons of life, like how to sweet talk the game warden when you're four Catfish over limit.

It's best to get a guy who's been on his own for a few years. That way, if you clean every Christmas and don't thump cigarette ashes on the carpet, he'll think you're Martha Stewart.

3. Does he work at a convenience store?

Convenience stores is bad for two reasons. First off, he'll only make six bucks an hour, which means a day's work only buys a 30-pack of diapers and a twelve Pack of HighLife.

Second off, convenience store clerks is always getting shot. What happens if you got a big night at the Bingo Hall planned, the old man gets shot, and he ain't home to babysit on time?

4. Can he fake a decent back injury?

A lot of women is attracted to stupid guys cuz they'll believe it when you tell 'em stuff like, "If you don't run to the store and get me a pack of cigs, you can catch AIDS." But he can't be too stupid.

Say your old man's faking a back injury to score workers' comp. But say his buddy, who's a contractor, offers him a side job busting a concrete driveway, which just happens to be at the house of his case worker, Reginald Grabowski.

The first clue might have been the name "Reginald Grabowski" painted on the mailbox.

But your old man, figuring there's gotta be dozens of Reginald Grabowskis in Powell Butte, Oregon, keeps slugging away with the maul. Next thing you know, he loses the workers' comp.

Yet he ain't smart enough to do the logical thing: Smash his foot with the maul, so he can get another workers' comp scam going.

That's why you don't wanna make babies with stupid guys. When you're old, your kids won't know how to scam, either. Then there'll be no one to buy you Pabste Blue Ribbon and lotto tickets.

5. Is he a fat pig?

This can be good or bad, depending on how you look at it. Most women don't like being married to a fat pig cuz it's like sleeping with a walrus. If you was attracted to walruses, you'd probably marry a real one, on account of zoo animals don't pay no rent and people throw food at you.

The good part is, if your old man gets fat enough,you can use him for insulation when the heat gets shut off.

6. Is he Dainty?

Does your old man spend more time talking about his hair dryer than his power tools? Does he put mousse in his caulking gun? Does he have problems saying who's the points leader in the Winston Cup standings?

If so, he's probably a lawyer, which means he's good at bilking old ladies' trust funds, but he'd end up being a love toy for the Aryan Nation when he goes to prison. The ladies at the beauty parlor won't respect a woman who's sharing her man with a 320 pound guy named Bubba.

7. Does he got manners?

You can tell a real gentleman cuz he'll always say something nice about your butt, no matter how big it is.

Say he's laying on the couch watching baseball. "Woman," he says, "could you score me another brewski?" As you leave the room he adds, "Your butt's so cute I should list it on the renter's insurance as jewelry."

That's class.

But what if he only says, "Woman, grab me another brewski." Then, as you leave the room, all he does is cuss out Roberto Hernandez for giving up a two-out single. This here's an example of no class, which means you should probably set him up with your sister. Then you can gossip about the moron she married at holiday get-togethers. 

8. Does he flirt with other women?

This could be a sign that he's hound dogging truck stop waitresses when he's supposed to be at a strip joint with his buddies. Then again, a lotta ladies don't mind their men having affairs cuz they'll do less pawing on them. If it keeps the creep outta the house, all the better. Just make sure his ass is around when it's time to shovel the sidewalk.

9. Does he eat sissy?

Say your old man wants to propose. He's offering to take you to dinner, someplace classy. Naturally, you pick KFC. All the way there he's talking about saturated fat and cholesterol. Dump him.

If he don't like KFC, chances are he jogs and has a matching tennis outfit he hides at his ma's house. If you marry him, he'll be too dainty to defend your honor when your uncle paws your butt during the dollar dance at the wedding.

10. Does he still brag about his glory days?

Nothing worse than having an old man who thinks he's an athlete. Whenever he gets drunk, he'll be giving you the frame-by-frame account of how he won the Little league bowling Championship when he was fourteen.

Worse yet, you'll have to haul your ass to softball games all summer, making excuses to the other wives about why your husband couldn't snare a grounder if it was a naked lady with a twelve pack.